Sunday, February 29, 2004

Sadly I didn't win the 1st (and probably) last annual beard off. The accolade of 'Beardie Weirdie, Hirsute Lord and Master of the Universe) goes to one Mr Craig Cooper, a man who ably demonstrated his creditable impression of Frankenstein's monster attending a class reunion. It came down to just four competitors, four brave foolhardy souls who put up with itching and getting food stuck to their faces and looking like tramps. There's something about growing a beard that makes a man look in the mirror and say 'Hey, I kinda look like a pirate. Cool! I'm gonna keep this thing.' After a while, though, when stray dogs cross the street when they see you coming and you keep getting strip searched attempting egress from Grace Bros because you look like a cross between a wino and the Unabomber, you decide 'this thing's gotta come off.' i reckon there's something a bit weird about blokes who wear big beards - makes me think they got something to hide.

So, I've shaved off the beard and my face now feels hyper-sensitive and looks like a par-boiled potato. It took three razors and now instead of itching, it burns.

That's all - go about your business, citizen, nothing to see here.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

People are said to be having a Kylie moment when things go right and a Dannii moment when everything goes pear shaped. Both those pop-tarts are getting a bit long in the tooth, so the millenium version would be having a Delta moment, or a Holly moment. It's only a matter of time before Neighbours starlet no. 2 gets a bigger pair of tits and gets them out for Playboy. I don't know what it is about Holly but she always looks like she wasn't born, she was injection-moulded. Carved out of latex and smeared in vaseline.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Not only do I soak unfranked stamps off envelopes and reuse them, I reuse them to screw with the postie's mind and post the letters to myself. I walk across the street with my free stamp pasted onto a surplus envelope, pop the letter in the box and wait for the hilarity to ensue. I'll let you know when that happens.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Anthony Mundine opens mouth long enough to change feet
You can always trust 'The Man' to speak his mind.

Kids need hope, assistance and education

I couldn't agree more with the sentiments of the article but this quote "...I am not in favour of violence..." needs some clarification.

At this point I'll point out that Anthony Mundine is a professional boxer, who hits people for a living. Clearly a non-violent boxer, though.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Some people jump out of aeroplanes with parachutes on their backs for fun. I regard parachutes as emergency survival equipment, not recreational equipment. I've never heard of people putting on lifevests and jumping out of boats for fun, have you?

Friday, February 20, 2004

If you've found my website, please email me. Let me know what you think and how you found it. This website is mostly for me, but it's nice to know what other people think.

Especially if you go to Dartmouth College. You know who you are.

By the way, this beard is really starting to itch.

A Special Aeronautical Post
I just got back from Bankstown airport after a short flight and boy are my arms tired! No, I went for an introductory flight with a company called Basair. It was basically a two hour flight from Bankstown south to Albion Park, east to the coast, north to Manly and back to Bankstown. The most fun I have had in I can't remember how long. The weather was just about perfect, zero cloud, less than 5 knots wind, visability pretty good if a little hazy, probably about 40 miles.

Cessna 152 rego VH-WSS.

Port Kembla under the port wing.

Wollongong aerodrome.

Soaring at the lofty altitude of 550 feet.

A passing aircraft.

Sydney Harbour slides by.

I got the fly the plane for about 45 minutes, straight and level, level turns, climb and descent. The experience reminded me of first driving a car. Sensory overload. I remember how much effort it took when I first started driving just to keep the car straight, now it's second nature.

These photos are all available from our gift shop. Enjoy.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Ryanair 'to cut frills further' "Ryanair has confirmed it is taking "no-frills" flying a stage further by ordering a fleet of planes without reclining seats or window blinds."

I don't think it goes far enough. Why not introduce 'standing class,' make people stand up for the duration of the flight with little handles hanging from the ceiling like on a bus or train. There is a suggestion that Ryanair might not let you take any baggage, except hand luggage. This would free up the baggage compartment underneath the aircraft and they can stack them in there like in slave ships. As long as the passengers were chained down they should meet air safety regs. I don't think Ryanair have considered the use of ski racks so they could strap passengers to the outside of the plane as well. Now THAT'S no frills flying.

Monday, February 16, 2004


In further useless news, we are also having a beard growing competition at work. On Friday all the Men (note the capital M) in the office shaved cleanly before coming in to work. On Sunday 29th February we will inspect the resulting cheeks and decide upon a winner, who will be crowned 'Beardy Weirdy, Hirsute Lord and Master of the Universe.'

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Networking is one the greatest and most powerful advances ever made in the field of computing. It has made possible some of histories most important advances in the field of human knowledge and led to the development of the internet, the greatest single invention in information technology since the printing press. Networking multiplies the power of computers many times so that the whole becomes far greater than the sum of its parts. Without a network, a LAN is just a bunch of PCs. But you know what? Without a bunch of PCs, a LAN is just a pile of dead cables, useful for skipping with, perhaps, but bugger all else.

Some network engineers need to be reminded of that occasionally.

Friday, February 13, 2004


Because I'm bad!

"With the immortal words, "You should open your earballs and listen a bit", 27-year-old Tabs instantly became Confidential's pick for Local Reality Star of the Year on the debut episode of the series on Wednesday night."

Now, I didn't see the reality show in question, I hate reality shows and I think anyone who actually wants to be on one has some serious self-esteem issues to short out and is probably a borderline nutcase, but the line "You should open your earballs" is a bloody cracker. I think we should all open our earballs. If people would just open their earballs and listen a bit the world would be a much better place. Earballs, earballs, earballs.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Some people have a section on their blog which says which book the author is currently reading and which CD they are currently listening to. I refuse to do the same because inevitably there are only two responses, and they are both negative.

The first response is to say 'you're listening to/reading that? That's shit! I read/listened to that ages ago, man you are such a backward fuck with no taste.'

The second response is to say 'you're listening to/reading that? Never heard of it. It must be shit. I wouldn't be caught dead reading/listening to that, man you are such a wannabe wank with no taste.'

So screw you, you filthy hippy! I'll read whatever the hell I like and listen to whatever I want, whenever I want. And if you ask me what I'm reading/listening to, I'm likely just to punch you in the face and yell 'you're not the boss of me!!!'

My therapist has said to write that I'm currently reading 'Diary' by Chuck Palahniuk and listening to Bach's Brandenburg Concertos.

OKAY!!! ASSHOLE!!!!!!!

What a range David Blaine has. All the way from sleepy to bored.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Blinkers. Do you know what blinkers are? I don't mean indicators on a car, I mean blinkers horses wear to block their vision at the side. It's to stop them getting distracted by objects in their peripheral vision. Helps them maintain their focus and run faster. People wear blinkers as well, only they wear them on the inside. They wear them sometimes because they don't have the ability to process any information that isn't directly in front of them, they wear them sometimes because they're afraid to see anything apart from what they're supposed to see.

What a pretentious load of shite.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

I've just come back from the hospital where I had the best cheese sandwich, cup of tea and banana in my life. The secret of the perfect cheese sandwich, cup of tea and banana is to fast for 16 hours, get 100 micrograms of fentanyl and 5 milligrams of midazolam injected directly into your bloodsteam, then get a stranger to slide a video camera down your gullet into your stomach and poke around a bit. Sleep for an hour and I guarantee when you wake up you will eat the best cheese sandwich, cup of tea and banana you ever had in your life.

Right now I'm listening to Bach's Brandenburg concertos before the buzz wears off. I should do this more often. The only downside is that while they were poking around with the camera they were injecting air into my stomach so they had a good view. Consequently I am burping and farting frequently. As a bloke, I can't really see that as much of a downside.

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Are you sure you're supposed to be here?

Norman doesn't want to come overseas with me next year. He says he is afraid of catching some tropical parasite. I told him he was being silly but after reading this I'm not too sure.

I found this link here so full credit goes to Rosa Posa, a person I have never met.

Friday, February 06, 2004

This is hypnotic, in a creepy sort of way.

Now I'm getting spam from companies asking me to pay money in order to be removed from spam lists. I'm too jaded to even point out how ironic that is.

I know what I said yesterday about the trains but now it appears that the train drivers are about to begin a round of wage claims. The more cynical among us might interpret the latest poor performance by Cityrail as a tactic of the train drivers union to highlight how devastating a rail strike would be to the city. I've heard people blame the Carr government and its window-dressed, veneer-thin, spin-doctored approach to critical issues like transport and policing, as well as their strange prioritising of goverment funding, preferring to pay taxpayers money on things like fireworks and semi-superannuated senior public servants than nurses wages and rail signals. I've heard people blame Cityrail's inept, outmoded and nepotic management practices. I've heard people blame previous governments for their cutbacks and spendthriftiness. Now I've heard people blaming the unions for manufacturing the transport crisis.

I don't know if any or all are true or who is to blame. The answer is probably a little from column A and a little from column B.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

I've been vindicated.

Horror run of delays on trains

The Sydney Morning Organ of the Champagne Socialist International has backed me up on my claim that the Sydney Rail network is shite. Statistics prove that only 15% of trains on the Inner West line arrive on time.

Reading this Mr Costa? Your days are numbered.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

You know the Big Picture things, the Big Issues (before Big Issue meant unemployed beggars,) the world changing events of history? I'm apathetic towards them. War in Iraq? Meh. Illegal immigrants? Puh. Like it makes any difference what I think, like they make any difference to me. I take the same interest in them as I do the Grand Final results. The little things in life, standing in line at the supermarket, the fact I can't get Dr Pepper anywhere, Cityrail's abysmal attempts to get a train to run on time, these are the things I really care about, because they directly effect me. Bombs falling in Afghanistan, I'm sympathetic, it's real sad, but at the end of the day, the bombs might as well have been falling on Mars 10,000 years ago. George W Bush doesn't care what I think. If he doesn't care what the United Nations thinks, what chance do I have? I could care like Mother Teresa, gnash my teeth until they fall out, wring my hands and rub the worry beads like Rene Rivkin waiting for a doctors certificate and Dubya still isn't going to give a shit. So why bother? Why expend energy on things you have no influence over? Taking an interest in world politics is like taking an interest in test cricket. It goes forever, major figures come and go, it's often boring, sometimes very exciting, but you can't influence the result and the result probably won't influence you. So join me and stop caring. Thank you.

Monday, February 02, 2004

Is it just me, or does anyone else out there not give a toss what the Poo says to Pat on the phone?

People say, when life sends you lemons, make lemonade. But what if life puts a paperbag full of shit on your front door step, lights it, rings the bell and runs away?