Sadly I didn't win the 1st (and probably) last annual beard off. The accolade of 'Beardie Weirdie, Hirsute Lord and Master of the Universe) goes to one Mr Craig Cooper, a man who ably demonstrated his creditable impression of Frankenstein's monster attending a class reunion. It came down to just four competitors, four brave foolhardy souls who put up with itching and getting food stuck to their faces and looking like tramps. There's something about growing a beard that makes a man look in the mirror and say 'Hey, I kinda look like a pirate. Cool! I'm gonna keep this thing.' After a while, though, when stray dogs cross the street when they see you coming and you keep getting strip searched attempting egress from Grace Bros because you look like a cross between a wino and the Unabomber, you decide 'this thing's gotta come off.' i reckon there's something a bit weird about blokes who wear big beards - makes me think they got something to hide.

So, I've shaved off the beard and my face now feels hyper-sensitive and looks like a par-boiled potato. It took three razors and now instead of itching, it burns.

That's all - go about your business, citizen, nothing to see here.