Monday, December 22, 2003

You know the way to tell an expensive restaurant? Very big plates, very small portions and very heavy cutlery. That must be the trick to a good restaurant - change the proportions of everything. I think if I opened a restaurant I'd change the proportions of everything. You'd have to crawl to get through the door, the chairs would be small, the tables huge. You get pint glasses and the wine waiter would fill your glass with an eyedropper. And all the waiters would be little people although the chef would be gargantuan, the size of several Iain Hewittsons on the imperial scale. The menu would look like a novelty cheque. The plates would be big enough to park a car on, the cutlery would be those wooden forks and spoons people used to put on their walls in the seventies but you'd be well advised to bring tweezers to eat the portion. The bill would be printed on a chad as if it was punched out of a tram ticket but the numbers on it? It would require commas, that's all I'm saying.


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