Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Mick tells me that mad people often ask him for assistance in the supermarket. Darling old ladies who ask for help before growing an extra row of teeth and hurling abuse, foreigners who ask the whereabouts of products that simply don't exist, that sort of thing. Recently, whilst standing waiting in the queue at the checkout, the woman behind him said to him "pssst...can you see if there's something down my pants?" Far from being an invitation to examine her genitalia, she was actually asking if Mick could see the item she was attempting to shoplift. He asked the question, "what am I supposed to say to that?" A few different people had opinions as to what he could have said, but I said you can't go past a good "fuck off!"

Trust me, I've used it on mad people before and it works a treat. At 6am I once told a gentleman who wanted to describe the glories of heaven to fuck off in exactly those words and he disappeared before I could get the key out of the lock. I told a tramp who demanded a cigarette to fuck off and when I turned around all that remained was a puff of dust and the faint odor of wee.

Never underestimate the power of a short, sharp fuck off.


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